On February 16th, I was facing the 5-month “anniversary” of my father’s death when I was simultaneously stunned by the betrayal of trust from an intimate friend who I never could have predicted would lose sight of the interconnected web of life that exists between us all, particularly between those we say we love.
While losing my father and the long night of September 15 – 16, 2011 changed my life, the dark night of February 15 – 16, 2012 was also very symbolic in my process of grief. I had to ask myself, “How can I lean into Hope when Hope is the very thing that appears to be causing the disappointment?”
I wasn’t going to write about the grief that I’m “processing” right now because like my sister suggests, sometimes people get so caught up in “process” that they don’t live their lives! I do not want to be guilty of missing out on my life however I also do not want to betray myself by squelching my emotional or soulful response to disappointment and loss.
That said, what I’ve decided to share is how I went to the store, in the midst of my grief, on less than 2 hours sleep, February 16th and picked out a bouquet of flowers to honor the losses. I also posted on my Facebook page about the importance of self-love and wrote “Never underestimate the power of buying flowers for yourself.” I took a picture of them that day… it’s below:
Today, March 3rd, when I woke up in the silence of a home I don’t recognize, though it’s still the same geographical residence, I was drawn to meditate upon various passages from the Sufi poet, Rumi. I read the words, “You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” I sipped my tea, read a few more passages and then looked at my flowers.
Here is the photo from this morning:
There isn’t a chance that anyone can tell me that 17 days later, a $8.99 bouquet of store-bought flowers is expected to be living this vibrantly.
I’ve changed their water, removed only three pink carnations, and the rest are reaching out to the Light and the Creation outside my window as if nothing has been lost… and today, while writing this post and uploading the photos, a dove sat on my windowsill, as if to say, “Hey, what magical Love is happening here this morning?”
Friends, loss is inevitable and while betrayal may not be, how we respond is our gift to the Universe. I read today also that “Your life is a message to the world. Make sure it’s inspiring.”
I’m leaning into hope and the truth that We are One. My decisions, behaviors, thoughts and feelings are not so much “mine” but they are a garden to which I will tend to carefully and mindfully in order to protect and enhance the larger web of Life. It gives me peace, to honor Life.
We must begin with self-love and allow the Universe to show us the connection…
So I’m taking a risk with Hope and Light, God and Love and all of those other wildly ethereally expressions that are best summed up with words from Vernon Howard: ”Don’t try to be spiritual. That is only a word in the dictionary. Make it your goal to become a normally functioning individual. Let these principles shape you according to your real nature of a simple, decent, honest, unafraid human being.”
Cheers, to a “simple, decent, honest and unafraid” human experience.
Romans 5:5 “... and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” A reminder, from “even the Bible” that we are connected. We are One.