Forgiving Exodus International for their soul-raping ways has left me with a mild case of identity crisis.
First of all, when you exist solely to fight your oppressor, your oppressor becomes a part of your identity.
Secondly, when you receive praise for fighting your oppressor, your oppressor’s existence also becomes latched into your self-esteem.
Finally, when you stop believing that your oppressor is your enemy, you’re left with the question…
Why am I doing any of this?
As most of you know, I published my first book 7 years ago, (http://rescuejesus.wordpress.com/lesbian-coming-out-book) but then a series of wounds prevented me from moving forward in the “activist” scene. When I made this “triumphant return” 5 months ago, I thought for sure that my main objective would be to focus on the words, actions and energies that would create the best weapon for overcoming fundamentalism. (Ending Fundamentalism… the New F Bomb?) I thought I would craft powerful narratives that would light a fire under even the most complacent reader and we would all begin to see that Fundamentalism is a violent force against the very nature of the Divine and work towards its destruction.
I thought my calling was to shine the light on the darkness of my oppressors.
I thought that being right was the more important work that I was to be engaged in as a writer.
After all, what’s so wrong with being right?
Well, as I discussed in my forgiveness post to Exodus, focusing on being right maintains the same pattern of thought as what the fundamentalists teach. The need to be right is a vehicle that doesn’t have to lead to hate but it is one that knows the way… so forgiveness, for me, was getting out of that vehicle and learning to walk a different path.
What I’ve learned in the last 5 months is that this work is about relationships… and being whole is more important than being right.
Restoring a sense of personal power and a trustworthy community is more important than making sure Alan Chambers hears me call him a soul-molester. (The truth: He is a soul-molester but he is also oppressing his own self and that must be a far greater pain than I can understand anymore).
So I will continue to call Exodus International what it is but let me be clear…
I exist not to shine the light on the dark world of Christian Fundamentalism.
I exist to be a light in the rainbow-colored world of those recovering from any kind of oppression, be it religious or otherwise.
I’m here to shine not for those in darkness…
But for those in dim, gray places where hope was almost lost.
I’m here… for survivors.
That is why For Gail So Loved the World exists…
I’ve never felt more whole than I do right now.
Thank you all for being here, where all are welcome… no exceptions.
I love you so much I could burst into a thousand rainbows.
This post is dedicated to the fine healing work being done through New Wings. Please feel free to check out their website (www.new-wings.org) to learn more about how to be a part of healing from fundamentalism… we’re in this together.
As always, if you are a survivor of the ex-gay movement specifically, please reach out to our community at Beyond Ex-Gay. You are not alone. www.beyondexgay.com
Oh and no worries… I’ll still find a way to be a snarky satirist from time-to-time. I mean, I forgave the fundies but I didn’t have a lobotomy!