To say I am not looking forward to this series is the understatement of my year. What I thought would be 2 or 3 posts that glazed over the darker experiences about my ex-gay drama has both fortunately and very unfortunately taken on a life of its own to the point that my dreams have begun to interpret my current conflicts in Christian community through the toxic language of the ex-gays…
At 5:11 am, I awoke from a nightmare that left me gasping for air, clutching my stomach and chest and offering up an echo of dry-heaving as a morning prayer to all of the gods that would listen… and to my neighbors… to anyone within ear shot, I was sobbing and screaming because I’m now giving full voice to what this spiritual raping is all about…
As I stifled my screams into the bathroom towel, turned myself into a ball and rocked on the bathroom floor I thought, “Who is listening to this, really?”
The question went beyond the awareness of the moment and I thought about how there are now nearly a thousand readers who are witnessing this via my writing. I’m not sure I was prepared for that but as I’ve read emails and posts about how my opening up may save lives, change minds and change hearts, I am struck by how the truth has never felt so freeing.
I want to tell you about the nightmare that woke me up this morning and led to this ethereal vomit but I know that it’s going to take me another day or two to hash it out. I’m befuddled by how the “innocent” people of my current life can be portrayed as such hateful people in my dream life but the similarities between my ex-gay past and my present will reveal important trends that I believe keep us all away from Christianity at some point.
The need to be “like” them to be a part of them is ultimately the most frightful experience for anyone with a working, evolving understanding of spirit and his/her own place in this world. The language that Christianity, overall, has assumed for itself is toxic and through this sharing, I hope that is one of the ultimate transformations that some Christians undergo. Being around Christians again, in all their glory is exactly what is prompting this flashback-style process and is reminding me of the traumatic lessons I learned from the ex-gays and fundies. Specifically, I ask the Christian community to ask itself what it hopes to attain by only surrounding itself with people who are like-minded…
So I’ll share more about this nightmare and its effects very soon. It’s the perfect analogy to have woken up dry-heaving because I felt like I was spewing the nasty qi, their awful lies, with every violent exhale from the deeper part of my body. The posts and conversations are like a toxic chemical that is working out the cancer of my soul. It is uncomfortable, leaves me exhausted, turns my blood cold but is somehow killing off that which has been trying to kill me all these years.
I appreciate all of the light, love and prayer support as I unleash myself from the ex-gay lie. These attachments run deeper than I thought but I will not stop until others know that Jesus cannot be used to abuse others, lock them away from their identities or cause them to suffer. I may not arise from this any more of a Christian than I was when I started but I may truly be damned if I don’t get back a pure picture of how to love and be loved by a community of people, Christian or otherwise.
Please do continue to let this story be told and keep telling your own. Together I believe we will shut down the spiritual genocide known as the ex-gay movement.
Humbly, I say… thanks for listening.